


Some Things Are Better Off Without Prodouct Placement, Mom.

by Boz (Bozaloshtsh)



Category: Gintama
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-25
Updated: 2009-12-25
Packaged: 2017-10-05 06:31:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/38753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bozaloshtsh/pseuds/Boz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sougo may be a big boy now, complete with big boy needs, but Yamazaki has some concerns. Hijikata is, as usual, just the unfortunate bystander.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Some Things Are Better Off Without Prodouct Placement, Mom.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [spicy_diamond](https://archiveofourown.org/users/spicy_diamond/gifts).



> Just a little something extra for you since you seemed to get the stick-end of the pinch-hit bag. Have a happy Yuletide!

It's Yamazaki who keeps bringing it up, which, honestly, is why nobody including Hijikata pays any actual attention to him. At least, at first. Even Yamazaki can be persistent.

"B-But Vice-Commander, he needs guidance! A paternal figure!"

"Yamazaki." The man lights up like New Years. Hijikata adds "reckless elation in the face of perceived victory" to the list of things to beat out of him.

"You've seen reason!"

"No, Yamazaki, _you're still talking_," Hijikata hisses and grabs the nearest tenable object to throw at his head. He doesn't actually notice what he's thrown at Yamazaki until the box bounces off the man's badminton racket and hits him in the face. Yamazaki's reflexes are apparently getting faster.

"Oh! Oh my god, pleasedon'thurt-"

"Lawson Brand JUMP Gundams... for the little boy in all of u- Yamazaki," Hijikata grabbed the box off the floor and marched over to the rapidly retreating figure of the spy and grabbed him by the collar. "Why did you cross out the word "condom" on a box of condoms and write "gundam" over it? What kind of sick animal would get condoms that-"

"-come in Super S Sayan size, and Hijikata-san, they even turn yellow when you-"

The box of "gundams" doesn't manage to hit Sougo in the face, but dodging them blissfully stops him from finishing his sentence. Hijikata also begins to wonder if Yamazaki's reflexes are the same as they've always been, and instead that his own aim is starting to fall out of practice. He needs to get in the habit of throwing more things at Sougo.

"If you did this Sougo, you get rid of them," Hijikata says absently and drops Yamazaki back on the floor. He needs to clean his sword before afternoon haya-suburi. Yamazaki, however, scrambles up and starts after him as opens the door, eyeballing Okita all the while.

"Vice-Commander, this is exactly what I'm talking about! You can't tell me you haven't noticed the way he and that terrifying red-headed girl have been getting along."

Hijikata considers this, but in the context of condoms, he doesn't really want to consider it all too long. On the other hand, it'd be nice -- especially since Sougo seems a little more mellow than usual -- if he could lay Yamazaki's pestering to rest, once and for all. Granted, the man's a trained spy, and it's not like he has an abundance of real spy-work to do, but Yamazaki the Nosy Class Rep Hijikata does not want.

"Sougo, you're too young to be buying condoms."

"But Hijikata-san, the box says these are gundams."

"You're too young to be buying gundams, then." Hijikata's fingers itch with the need to light up a cigarette -- a sign of stress the doctor'd said, the fact of which just serves to stress him out further.

"But Hijiaka-san, Gundam shows traditionally air during the 3:30 TV Asahi afternoon special time-slot which any idiot or closet otaku knows is aimed at junior high students."

"Well I fall into neither of those categories, so." Yamazaki tries to surreptitiously clear this throat but Hijikata catches him doing it. "Neither. Of. Those. Categories."

"Lying to yourself is bad for the soul, Hijikata-san." Hijikata spares a moment to consider whether or not Sougo has to practice sounding this patronizing. No sixteen-year-old could possibly sound this patronizing naturally, but most sixteen-year-olds weren't natural-born sadists. Finding the odds evening each other out, Hijikata remembers that he was, actually, trying to fix a problem.

"Sougo, if you have sex at this age, it will damage your psyche in dark, horrible ways that Kondo-san will inevitably come crying to me about, so no matter how much fun it is to fight the Yorozuya's China-girl, keep it in your pants."

"But I don't want to have sex with her, Hijikata-san." Hijikata looks into Sougo's eyes, and although they look like dead fish all the time, he's 89% positive Sougo's not lying to him right now. "Already a dirty old man at the tender age of forty? Hijikata-san, time can be a harsh mistress."

"I'm twenty-seven." Hijikata lights up the cigarette after all. "Why'd you buy the condoms then?"

"As a gift for Yamazaki-kun," Sougo explains at a deadpan. "Imagine my surprise when he starts incessantly bothering you about my shoping habits for a week straight."

Hijikata nods and keeps nodding because his other option is strangling Sougo and the little bastard is too quick for him anyway. "Yamazaki, get rid of the condoms."

"It's bad manners to talk about throwing away gifts in front of the person who lovingly gave them, Hijikata-san."

"I don't care," Hijikata snarls, grabbing up the box himself and marching out of the room before he's forced to do something regrettable. Kondo, of course, catches him throwing them in the dumpster out back.

"But why would you throw away perfectly good gundams, Hijikata-kun! We should sell them on eBay and add the profits to the anniversary kitty!"

"Yeah, good luck with that," Hijikata shouts, trying to get as much distance between himself and his commander before Kondo manages to fish the offending box back out of the garbage.


End file.
